


Until Then We'll Have to Muddle Through Somehow

by pinkchiffon



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, background finnpoe - Freeform, holiday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 12:02:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17141396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkchiffon/pseuds/pinkchiffon
Summary: This year, Ben has to make Hux’s Christmas gift extra special, since this is the first year Ben will be giving the gift to his boyfriend. Or at least he hopes Hux is his boyfriend. When they started dating the summer after high school graduation, the expectation was that the relationship would end when they left for separate colleges in August. Now halfway across the country from Hux and still unsure what they are to each other, Ben faces the holiday season with more problems to solve than usual.





	Until Then We'll Have to Muddle Through Somehow

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has actually been in works since last year, but I couldn't quite finish it up before the holiday season was already over. Now it's ready for this year, with the post-TLJ addition of Rose because in this house we love and respect our adorable mechanic.

**December 6**

For the past seven years, Ben has gotten Hux the same thing for Christmas. 

It started back in the sixth grade, the last day of school before winter break, when his and Hux’s Social Studies teacher decided to subject her students to a holiday trivia game before class ended. The class was divided into two teams, and Hux was the unofficial captain of his group of eleven- and twelve-year-olds, leading them courageously through various categories about winter holidays around the world.

That is, until he reached the category entitled “Holiday Music.” 

Ben, from his seat on the outskirts of the other team, was shocked that Hux knew none of the classic Christmas songs, even the easy ones carolers and Salvation Army bell-ringers were always singing when he walked past them on his way into the supermarket. It was shocking enough that after class Ben didn’t even hesitate to walk up to this boy he had had only the briefest of interactions with and say, “Don’t you like Christmas music?”

Hux had wrinkled his nose at Ben before saying, “Not especially, no.”

Ben was stunned. December was always his favorite month of the year, not because of the snow but because Leia always kept the house filled with the sounds of crooners singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire and mistletoe and holly.

Hux was about to walk away from him when a thought occurred to Ben. 

“You can’t judge it if you haven’t heard it,” Ben said. “And I know you haven’t heard any of the good ones.”

“I really don’t think—”

“I’ll make you a CD,” Ben interrupted. “I can give it to you at the breakfast tomorrow,” he continued, referring to Empire Middle School’s annual holiday fundraiser pancake breakfast, occurring the next morning. He knew that Hux would be there, since the middle school orchestra was providing live music. 

Hux looked confused, which was an expression he rarely wore in class with Ben. “A CD?” he repeated.

“Yeah. Then you can listen to it. And know how good it is.” Ben nodded his head after saying that, and then he remembered that this was the most talking he’d done with a classmate in a long time. 

Blushing, he rushed away and practically ran all the way to the school bus. He was filled with a nervous excitement the whole way home, determined to make the best Christmas CD for Hux. Han helped him burn a disc with all the classics: Nat King Cole, Burl Ives, Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby. They would melt Hux’s heart, and then he’d understand what Ben was talking about. 

The next day, Ben handed Hux the CD after the orchestra finished their last song, a kind of scattered rendition of “Joy to the World.” He didn’t make eye contact as he simply said, “Here ya go.”

“Thank you,” Hux said. He tucked the CD into his music folder, and Ben wondered if he was ever going to listen to it.

The first day back at school after break, Ben was surprised to have none other than Hux approach him in the middle of the hallway. 

“I listened to your CD,” Hux said.

“Oh.” Ben hesitated. “What did you think?”

Hux pressed his lips together before speaking. “It was fine, I suppose.”

Ben just nodded, unsure of what to say next. 

“I can’t believe you put the Grinch song on there.”

Ben grinned. “That one’s a classic, too! It’s not Christmas without the Grinch.” 

“The lyrics are ridiculous,” Hux said. “But I must admit, whoever sings it has a wonderful voice.”

Ben shrugged. “Yeah, Thurl Ravenscroft is pretty good.” Hux just looked at him blankly after he said this, so he decided to keep going. “You know, for a while most people thought Boris Karloff sang that song, since he narrated the TV special and was the voice of the Grinch. It wasn’t until later that Thurl Ravenscroft was officially credited,” Ben finished, almost mumbling the last part. 

“That’s actually kind of interesting,” Hux said. He squinted at Ben suspiciously, as if he didn’t trust Ben’s expertise. 

“Yeah?” Ben’s face lit up. “I have more stuff, too! Like did you know that ‘The Christmas Song,’ the one that goes ‘Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…’ was written in the summer? It was because the composer wanted to be away from all the heat.”

“Really?” Hux said, but like he truly meant it, not like he was just humoring Ben. 

The whole way to their next class, Ben talked Hux’s ear off listing every single fact Leia had told him about the holiday songs he’d grown up with. When it was finally time for Earth Science, Hux turned to Ben and said, “Next year, you should give me a disc of commentary to go along with the songs.”

Ben hadn’t even been planning on making another CD, but if Hux wanted one, that’d be exactly what he’d do. The next year, he presented Hux with a two-disc set, one disc for songs—mostly rock ’n’ roll covers that Han was especially fond of—and one disc of Ben just talking about each track. He ended up doing a pretty significant amount of research for his commentary disc, wanting to impress Hux with his knowledge. It added up to almost a full hour’s worth of Ben’s embarrassing, cracking voice rambling on and on about the origins of different songs, but he gave it to Hux anyway.

It became an annual tradition, Ben giving Hux a CD of holiday music, even after they got to high school and actually started hanging out together outside of class. It was always with a bigger group of friends, of which Hux was part of the inner circle and Ben was invited as an afterthought. Sometimes, though, Hux would catch his eye and smirk, as if the two of them were the only ones in on some private joke. 

By senior year of high school, Ben had figured out how to divide his commentary sound bites into individual tracks that corresponded to the track list on the other disc, so Hux could skip around if he wanted to. He also bought a fancy red and green CD case and tied a little bow around it. 

Even with all the extra work last year, Ben has to go above and beyond this year. This is the first time he’ll be going into the holiday season with Hux as his boyfriend. 

Well, maybe Ben shouldn’t say that. The thing is, he’s not entirely sure if Hux is his boyfriend anymore. 

They started dating only about halfway through last summer, the summer after high school graduation. After five years of silently pining, Ben had finally decided fuck it, this was his last chance. At their friend Phasma’s grad party, Ben had walked up to Hux and said, in what he hoped was a very calm voice, “Hux, would you like to see a movie with me tonight?” Hux had agreed when he found out which movie Ben had in mind, one about World War II that was already generating Oscar buzz, the kind of thing he knew Hux would love. 

At the theater, Hux bought Junior Mints, but Ben was too nervous to get anything. Puking would just ruin the mood.

Hux had always been one of those people who stayed dead silent during a movie, and Ben already knew this, but it still put him on edge that night. By the end of the movie, Ben was wondering if Hux even realized that this was a date in the first place. 

On the walk across the parking lot to Ben’s truck, they didn’t speak. Hux had already said that he’d liked the movie, and then uncharacteristically didn’t elaborate. Ben took a deep breath before blurting, “This was supposed to be a date.”

Hux stopped walking, and Ben’s feet skittered to stop next to him.

“I had assumed,” Hux said, and before Ben could think of what to say next, Hux was pressing his lips to Ben’s. It was barely more than a quick peck, and Ben felt like he blinked and missed it. The feeling sparking up in his chest wasn’t the joy that he expected; instead, it was the disappointment of being given far too brief a taste of what he’d wanted for years.

Once Ben slid into the driver’s seat, however, he felt Hux’s eyes on him. Before turning the key in the ignition, Ben turned to look to the passenger’s seat. Sure enough, Hux was staring back at him, eyes wide in the low light of the parking lot. Ben leaned in slowly, unsure, so Hux was the one who ultimately closed the distance between them once more.

This kiss was much deeper than the previous one, their mouths moving slowly, exploring, fingers touching on the center console. Hux’s mouth was soft and warm, and he seemed to know exactly what he was doing, tilting his head so his nose wouldn’t bump Ben’s overlarge one. Ben was sure Hux must’ve been able to taste the exhilaration on his tongue, or at least feel how fast his heart was beating. He was kissing _Hux_ , and it was everything he wanted it to be. 

Ben had to hold back a smile when he realized Hux tasted like Junior Mints. 

But they always knew it wasn’t going to last. At the end of August, Hux was flying out to California to go to Stanford while Ben would be attending Lucas University, only two hours away from their hometown of Finalizer, Minnesota. At the beginning of their second date, Hux had pointed out that whatever was going on between them would have to end with summer vacation. Ben had agreed, as much as it broke his heart. 

“It’s probably a good thing,” Ben said, trying to keep his tone casual. “Low stakes, yeah? We can just have fun.”

Hux had agreed, but when the time came for him to get on his plane, he didn’t say anything about a breakup. At first, Ben had assumed that Hux might’ve thought it would go without saying, but nothing seemed to change. They still messaged each other just as often, and Hux’s lack of affection over text wasn’t anything new. The only time he ever truly showed Ben that he was attracted to him was when they were alone. 

As much as Ben studies the situation, he can’t figure out if they’ve gone back to being just friends or if they’re in some sort of long-distance relationship. He could just come out and ask Hux, but what if he’s offended or disgusted by the question and stops talking to him altogether? Ben doesn’t know if he could survive losing what few interactions with Hux he has left. 

But just because Ben himself isn’t sure about the status of their relationship, that doesn’t stop him from telling the few people he interacts with all about his redheaded boyfriend Hux. 

“Yeah, my boyfriend goes to Stanford,” he told his physics lab group. “My boyfriend Hux is also studying business,” he said to a girl on his floor. “You should meet my boyfriend, he plays violin,” Ben mentioned to his music-loving peer advisor. Last summer, Hux had told him to keep their relationship low-key, but at college, Ben can be the obnoxious guy who won’t shut up about his boyfriend. 

It would be very bad if Hux found out how much Ben’s been sharing with virtual strangers, which is half the reason he asks his roommate, Finn, to leave the room during his weekly Skype sessions with Hux. Finn could easily blurt out something Ben doesn’t want Hux to hear and ruin everything, so he must go. 

“I’m about to Skype Hux!” Ben calls to Finn, who is reading on their futon. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Finn grumbles, grabbing his backpack. “It’s not like it’s not the same time every damn week,” he mutters under his breath. 

Ben decides to ignore this in favor of fixing his hair quickly in his webcam. Finn’s right, it is the same time every week, Wednesday nights after Hux’s calculus class and before his orchestra rehearsal. According to Hux, those forty-five minutes are the only ones he can spare for Ben, but he’ll take it. 

Hux’s icon pops up on Ben’s laptop screen, indicating an incoming Skype call. “He’s calling!” Ben shouts at Finn, who’s still putting on his hat. 

“Say no more!” Finn says, throwing his hands up in the air. “I’ll be at the library, if you need me.” 

As soon as Finn shuts the door to their dorm room behind him, Ben clicks to accept the call. He may have implied to Finn that the nature of these Skype calls would require privacy, even though they remain disappointingly G-rated. If it gets Finn out of the room, whatever. Ben isn’t shy around his roommate, but he doesn’t want to have to investigate the status of his relationship with Finn listening in.

The picture loads slowly on the campus’ shitty Wi-Fi, but soon Hux comes into focus, sitting at his own desk by the window. Like always, Hux is staring at Ben, waiting for him to speak first. On their first Skype call, Ben had been a blushy mess, stammering “H-Hi, Hux,” for reasons he can’t place. He’s _dating_ this guy, for fuck’s sake. 

Or, at least, he hopes he is. 

“Hey,” Ben says, straightening in his chair.

“Hello.” 

Hux looks radiant as usual. It’s always shocking, seeing him right there on Ben’s laptop screen after he’s been thinking about him all day. It’s almost as if Ben’s forgotten that Hux is a real person, not just one of Ben’s fantasies, and then suddenly there he is before him, red hair and all.

“So, uh, have you booked your flight?” Ben asks, cutting right to the chase. 

“Of course I have,” Hux replies, smiling good-naturedly. “Don’t you know me at all?”

“I know, I just wanted to make sure.” Ben hesitates. “I just don’t want anything to get screwed up.”

This will be the real test of the nature of their relationship. On December twenty-first, when Finn is already home for winter break, Hux will be flying in to spend three days staying in Jakku Dormitories with Ben before Leia shows up on the twenty-fourth to drive both of them home to Finalizer. Three days of just him and Hux in his dorm room, not another care in the world.

“What day is it that your roommate is leaving?”

“The twentieth,” Ben says, heart rate speeding up. He reminds himself that this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, Hux asking about Finn. He could just be asking because he’s planning on sleeping in Finn’s bed while Ben sleeps alone in his. Or, actually, Hux wouldn’t want to sleep in a stranger’s bed; he’d probably sleep in Ben’s, and Ben would sleep in Finn’s bed. Or Hux would take the futon and Ben would stay in his own bed. But Hux is the guest, so Ben would take the futon and give Hux the bed. But then why would they even use the futon at all? Honestly, it would just be simpler if they both sleep in Ben’s bed, together. 

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” Ben shakes himself out of his bed-sharing plans. “Sorry, just distracted.”

Hux sighs, rubbing his temple. “I am too, I’m afraid. My final exams are nearing. What about yours, are they coming up soon?” 

“I guess.” Ben shrugs. He’s been much more focused on making sure that his plans with Hux work out. “My Soc one is next Friday.”

“Have you been studying?” Hux raises his eyebrows at Ben.

“Jesus, Hux, you sound like my mom,” Ben grumbles. It’s not even true; Leia hasn’t thought to ask about Ben’s finals. Ben would be a little less fine with that if part of his plan didn’t hinge on Leia being too busy to realize that his last exam is actually a lot sooner than he told her, in order to get more time with Hux before she picks them both up. 

“It’s a fair question! I don’t want you to fail.” Hux crosses his arms. “Then you’ll be in one of your moods when I come visit.”

Ben tries to tamp down the anger that flares up in his chest. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Hux waves his hand through the air, dismissing Ben’s question. “Nevermind. Forget I said it.” 

“No, tell me.”

Hux sighs. “I just know how much you internalize disappointment, and that’s not healthy.”

Ben frowns. “Yeah, I fucking know it’s not healthy, that’s why I’m working on it. And I actually have been studying, for your information.” He doesn’t know what it is about Hux, but something about him makes everything he says come out sounding childish.

“Good.” Hux is silent for a moment. “Has it snowed up there yet?” 

“Yeah. Just a light dusting though, which is weird.” Ben shrugs. “Global warming, I guess.”

“But is it cold?”

“Yeah, it’s been below freezing pretty consistently. Hard to get out of bed, you know, when it’s this cold. I’ve been sleeping a lot. But not like, in a depressed way,” Ben adds hastily. “I’ve been doing pretty well, actually.”

“I’m glad.” Hux checks his watch, and Ben’s heart breaks a little. “Any plans for the weekend?”

Ben tries not to sound defensive when he answers. “I’m going to a party Friday night with Finn’s friends from the campus newspaper. Pretty low-key, no blackouts or hookups or anything.” He waits to see if Hux is going to react to “hookups,” but his expression doesn’t change. 

“That should be fun. Is it a Christmas party?” 

“I think so, why?”

Hux shrugs. “Just curious. You could make them a playlist or something, with all of your Christmas music knowledge.”

“ _Holiday_ music,” Ben corrects. “Remember, I put at least one Hanukkah song on your CD every year.”

“It’s still horribly unbalanced in favor of Christmas.”

“That’s not my fault! There just isn’t as much Hanukkah music out there,” Ben protests. He should know; Leia actually grew up Jewish, despite not being terribly religious. By the time she married Han, who wasn’t particularly keen on his own Baptist upbringing, they decided to raise Ben without much religious influence from either side. So, for this time of year, it’s always been a generic, commercialized-Christmas-style gift exchange with family. 

“Speaking of, am I getting a CD this year?” Hux says with a smile.

“Of course you are. I’ll give it to you when you visit.”

The rest of their Skype time passes in the usual way, just making small talk about classes and current events, and it’s all achingly platonic. Ben might as well be talking to Phasma or one of his other friends from back home, except he’d never be able to think up enough things to say to any of them to fill forty-five minutes of time each week. 

Finn comes back in the room ten minutes after Hux ends the call, carrying his backpack over his shoulder. He immediately starts putting away all of his textbooks instead of just tossing his bag down next to his bed like Ben does. No, Finn’s side of the room is neat and organized with an almost military-like precision. “How’s the boyfriend?” he asks Ben, sliding his CompSci textbook into its place on his little shelf.

“He’s good.”

“He still coming to visit after I leave?”

“Yeah.”

Finn just nods before adding, “Just don’t have sex in my bed. Or on my desk or chair or anything I own.”

Ben’s face colors slightly, surprised. “Of course not, why would you think…?”

Finn shrugs. “I was mostly joking. But I’ve never met this Hux guy, you know? Just clarifying some standard operating procedures.”

Ben rolls his eyes when Finn says “standard operating procedures.” It’s his favorite phrase, just a fancier way of saying “rules,” a list of which includes having all lights in the room out by midnight, even if Ben’s got twenty more pages of reading to finish before the morning, no muddy shoes in the room, no foods with strong odors allowed in their shared minifridge, and now, apparently, no fucking in his bed. Which, at least that one makes sense. Finn’s bed is lofted, anyway, so two people probably wouldn’t even fit in the narrow space between the mattress and the ceiling. While Ben’s unlofted bed sure doesn’t help their space-saving situation, it’ll be worth it when there’s room enough for Hux. 

“Sure,” Ben says, and then he and Finn lapse into their usual silence. Ben really can’t say if it’s a companionable silence or not, but he hopes his sulking around the room doesn’t disturb any of Finn’s important studies. 

Ben stares blankly at his laptop screen before cracking open his sociology textbook. He’s got to kill time somehow until Hux’s next Skype call.

 

**December 8**

The party is okay.

Ben isn’t entirely sure what he expected. Maybe something a little more exciting to report back to Hux with, even though his description of a tame party is turning out to be spot-on. Ben is pretty sure Finn only brought him along so he wouldn’t have to show up alone, since as soon as he was through the door he made a beeline for some dark-haired guy. But that was fine with Ben, he can talk to Finn whenever. He made polite conversation with a couple people asking him who he knew when he got up to refill his cup of beer from the keg in the corner, but other than that, he’s been camped out on one of the couches lining the perimeter of the room. There are a few others sitting down, too, so maybe no one will notice that he’s sitting there not talking to anyone. 

After studying the golden color of his beer for several minutes, Ben pulls out his phone to text Hux. 

_apparently im too antisocial for parties who wouldve guessed_

He rereads the message and then adds, _(that was sarcasm i shouldve seen this coming)_

“Who’re you texting?”

Ben looks up from his phone to find a girl perched on the arm of his couch. “Huh?”

“I just asked who you’re texting,” the girl repeats, a note of hesitation creeping into her voice. She tucks a strand of her short hair behind her ear and blinks up at Ben, who still looms taller than her even from her elevated seating position.

“Oh. Uh, I’m just texting my boyfriend.” Ben locks the screen of his phone after saying this, even though his message to Hux is nothing embarrassing. This girl can clearly tell he’s too antisocial for parties. 

“Oh! Does he go here, too?” She blinks. “Wait, I never introduced myself, damn, you probably don’t even know that I know you. I’m Rose.”

“Um. I’m Ben.”

“Yeah, Finn’s roommate! He’s mentioned you.”

“Oh.” Ben thinks about asking what Finn’s said, but then decides he doesn’t want to know. 

“It’s been really great to have Finn work for the newspaper with us,” Rose continues, talking a bit too fast. “He’s a really great writer.”

Ben nods and takes a sip of his beer. This is fine. They’ll just talk about Finn, and he won’t have to talk about himself. “So, uh, have you been working for the paper long?”

Rose blushes. “Actually, no, I’m a freshman too. My sister Paige has just told me a lot about it. She’s a senior, over there.” She gestures over to one of the more animated clusters of people, including both Finn and the guy he’s obviously salivating over. 

The woman Rose indicated was the one who asked him if he was having fun, a little while ago. “She seems nice,” Ben says after a pause. What else is he supposed to say?

“Yeah, she’s great! More social than me,” Rose adds with a nervous laugh. “Talking to people isn’t really my forte.”

“Me neither.” Ben gestures to the couch they’re sitting on. “Why I’m sitting down texting someone halfway across the country instead of talking to the people actually here.”

“Your boyfriend lives that far away?”

“Yeah, he goes to Stanford.”

“Wow, that’s great! You must be pretty serious, if you’re making the long-distance thing work.”

“I dunno.” Ben shrugs. “It was just supposed to be an over the summer thing, but I think we’re just kinda seeing where it goes now. I’m, uh, not the greatest communicator. I usually make things worse, actually.” He’s saying too much, talking too fast, so he smiles to make this sound more light-hearted instead of terrifying. 

Rose purses her lips, thoughtful. “It might be easier to talk to him face-to-face, instead of over text. At least, that’s what I’d try.”

“Yeah, thanks.” It’s not bad advice, but she doesn’t know Ben and Hux’s exact situation, and how delicate Ben’s position may be. 

“Rose!” Paige shouts over at them. “Come help us set up the Bluetooth speaker!”

“Oh, I better go help them, they’re all useless with technology,” Rose says to Ben with a smile. “But it was nice talking to you, Ben!”

“Yeah, you too.”

Ben’s brief respite from conversation doesn’t last long. Finn spots him and collapses onto the couch next to him. He takes a look at Ben’s beer and asks, “Are you drunk yet?”

He shrugs. “Not really.” 

It’s true. This certainly isn’t Ben’s first experience drinking beer. The past few years, Han would hand Ben a bottle when they would sit on the couch together, watching a sporting event that Ben was more or less interested in. It was all in the name of family bonding, Han said, and the beer was part of the father-son experience. When Leia would come into the living room and spot the two of them, she’d scold her husband not for giving teenaged Ben alcohol, but for only giving him “the cheap beer that college students drink.” 

“Now this is real beer,” Leia said, getting out a bottle of her craft beers she bought special.

“Ben, don’t listen to her, you don’t need any of that pretentious shit,” Han said, slapping him on the back. “You drink what’s given to you, no use in paying extra when it basically tastes the same.”

“It does not!” Leia said, sitting down next to Han and tucking her feet underneath her. “Just because your uncultured taste buds can’t tell the difference doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

“Uncultured?” Han scoffed. “Okay, _your highness_ , with your fancy beer…”

Ben shakes his head, refocusing. Maybe he is drunk, if he’s thinking fondly of times with his parents. Or maybe he’s just homesick.

“I think I am,” Finn says, a bit too loudly. “I think I’m _drunk_.”

Ben looks down at Finn’s empty cup. “How many have you had?”

“Uhh, four? Maybe?” Finn shakes his head, trying to focus. “I’m sorry, Ben, I was gonna stay sober so you could have a good time and I’d make sure we walked back home okay, but now…” He stares into his hands probably more dramatically than the situation calls for. 

“No, it’s okay, I can stop.” Ben sets down his plastic cup on the floor. He’ll have to remember to pick it up later. 

“Thanks Ben, you’re a good man.” 

Ben snorts. “You must really be drunk.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Finn says, slurring a little. “I was just trying to keep up with Poe…”

“Poe?”

Finn points a bit too obviously across the room at the guy he was talking to earlier. Ben nudges him, and Finn drops his arm before Poe can notice. 

“I see.”

“I mean, it’s not like he made me drink more, not at all, he actually said I should stop but I wanted to impress him, which is actually really fucking stupid, I don’t know Ben. You’re a good friend, Ben.” Finn loops his arm around Ben’s shoulders and says, “Do you think he likes me?”

“Poe?”

“Yeah. Do you think he likes me, like _likes_ me likes me? Paige says he’s gay but I don’t know how he sees _me_ , you know? Like, in a friend way or a not friend way.”

“I don’t know, Finn.” 

“How did you know?”

Ben sighs. “Know what?”

Finn leans in closer, as if telling him a secret. “With, you know, Hux. How did you know that he liked you?”

“I didn’t. I just went for it.” Ben shrugs. “And it worked out.”

“Should I just go for it?”

Ben looks Finn up and down. He’s leaning on Ben pretty heavily, even though they’re both seated. “Not tonight.” He places a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Stay here, I’m going to get you some water.”

On his way to the kitchen, someone grabs Ben’s arm. He spins around to find Poe looking at him with concern in his eyes. 

“Is Finn okay?” he asks. “I told him not to drink so much, but he just kept going…”

“Yeah, don’t worry, he’s gonna be fine,” Ben says. He gestures to the sink with his new red Solo cup. “I’m just getting him some water.”

“Okay, okay,” Poe says, seemingly to himself, nodding. “Tell him I’m sorry, would you? I feel horrible.”

“He said it wasn’t your fault, he was just—” Ben stops himself before he spoils Finn’s secret. 

“Got it.” Poe winks at him before returning to his friends, and Ben sighs. Finn’s got nothing to worry about with Poe, and for some irrational reason, he’s jealous. For them, it’s straightforward, or at least, it will be.

As he fills the cup with water, he checks his phone again. Still no reply from Hux. It’s to be expected, he’s probably asleep already, but this thought doesn’t reassure him like it used to.

 

**December 10**

Leia’s phone call wakes him up. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, Ben.”

“Hey, Mom.” Ben rolls over in bed to stare at the ceiling. His phone vibrating against the floor shook him out of his afternoon nap, and he’d been having a good dream, too. A dream about Hux. 

“You sound funny. Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, fine. Just woke up from a nap.” He scrubs a hand over his face, willing himself to wake up more.

“It’s almost seven o’clock, Ben, you’ll screw up your sleep schedule,” Leia scolds. 

“I’m fine, Mom, really. I can take care of myself.” 

“Benjamin Organa-Solo, just because you moved out doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop being your mother.”

“I know, Mom.” 

“I just wanted to call quickly today, since I might be too busy to call next week.”

“That’s okay.” And it is. Leia’s always been like this, especially when trying to coordinate time off from work for a couple of days around the holidays. Ben can’t even imagine how much time she must be saving now that her motherly responsibilities have been reduced to just one phone call a week.

“I’m sorry, Ben, but you know how it gets this time of year. Just because the election’s over doesn’t mean I don’t still have to be putting in long hours at the office.”

“I already said it was okay.”

Leia sighs before changing the subject. “Am I still picking you and Hux up on Christmas Eve?”

“Yeah.”

“When’s his flight getting in?”

_Ten days and twenty hours_. “That morning,” Ben says instead. He isn’t sure how much Leia knows about the nature of his relationship with Hux, but either way, he doesn’t want her questioning his three nights alone with him. What he doesn’t need is another uncomfortable sex talk. 

“Okay, just let me know if his flight is delayed. I don’t want to drive all the way out there just to have to wait another few hours.”

“Okay, but I don’t think there’s going to be any problems with that.”

“I know, I’m just being prepared.” Leia pauses before continuing. “Ben, how have your classes been going? Have you given any thought to what you want to major in?”

Ben groans. “Mom, I told you, it’s fine if I don’t know yet. There are plenty more GenEds I can take next semester.”

“Still, you should be putting some effort into considering the options offer—”

“I _know_ , Mom. I’ll think about it, okay?” 

“Okay.”

There’s a beat of silence, and Ben doesn’t know what to say. It’s moments like these when the pressure feels just unbearable. 

“Well, if you don’t have anything else to tell me, I’ll see you on Christmas Eve.”

“Yeah, see you then.”

“Your father might call sometime next week.”

“Okay.” Ben won’t count on it. 

“Bye, honey, and I love you.”

He swallows. “Love you too, Mom.”

As soon as the call ends, Ben checks for messages from Hux. There are none, but Hux has read both of his messages from earlier today. Hux is probably the only person in the world who still has his read receipts turned on, but, according to Hux, they make sense. 

“Either I’m too busy to respond right away, or I’m intentionally ignoring you,” he had said with a shrug. “Either way, I’d want you to know that I’ve seen the message.” 

It’s one of the few things Hux likes about having an iPhone. Most of the other features he criticizes endlessly, but Ben secretly thinks that Hux doesn’t switch to an Android because then he wouldn’t have anything to complain about.

Hux says that he doesn’t have time to reply to messages until before he goes to sleep for the night, so he always responds to Ben’s daily texts in a numbered list around ten-thirty his time (twelve-thirty Ben’s time) each night. Then he’ll wait up for up to half hour for Ben to respond to his reply.

It’s these moments between twelve-thirty and one when Ben wants to send something risky, something juvenile like _are you my boyfriend_ or _do you still have feelings for me?_ Although the latter would imply that Hux even had feelings for him in the first place. 

But those messages never get sent. 

Ben buries his face in his pillow. He could go back to sleep and try to return to that dream about Hux, or he could jerk off to the few pieces of the dream that he remembers, but Finn should be back from the library any minute now. And all of that is seeming less and less appealing as the anxiety rises in his chest, unbidden. He’s cornered by his uncertainty about the situation with Hux and the half-truths he’s told everyone else in his life about it. Ben’s alone with his problems in a trap of his own creation.

The one who probably knows the most about his problems is Han, actually. Ben hadn’t meant to tell him as much as he did, but it was one of those weekends last spring when Leia was out of town and they were drinking beer while watching baseball. 

“How many girls did you date before Mom?” Ben asked suddenly. It must’ve been his third beer that had prompted this; Han usually cut him off at two. 

“More than I’d like to admit, kid,” Han said, laughing too loudly like he does when he’s starting to get a bit buzzed. “I was quite the heartbreaker, before your mother.” 

“So there wasn’t anyone that you were hung up on, that you thought you’d never get over?”

Han shifted in his seat to look over at Ben. “Is there someone that you’ve got your eye on?” 

Ben didn’t say anything, but his expression must’ve said enough. 

“No, tell me, maybe I can help.” 

He shook his head. “No, no, you can’t, you don’t understand.” 

“What, do you think they’re out of your league or something?”

Ben answered without thinking, “No, no, it’s not just that Hux is just so much more—”

“Hux?” Han repeated. 

Ben froze. Maybe if he stayed completely still, he could turn back time and take it back. Maybe Han was too drunk to remember. But no, staring at his face, Han still looked alert, if a bit caught off-guard. “Fuck, this wasn’t how I wanted to tell you.” 

“Okay,” Han said, mostly to himself. He picked up the remote and switched off the TV. “Ben,” he began, clearing his throat, “I may not be so good with these deep conversations, but I want you to know that you can always tell me things, okay, son?”

“So…” Ben wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol slowing down his brain or if the gravity of the situation just hadn’t hit him yet. “You’re…okay with it?”

“Of course!” Han bellowed, slapping Ben on the back. “Fuck, I should’ve led with that, shouldn’t I’ve?” Ben was too stunned to react beyond nodding, so Han kept going. “So that’s why you thought I wouldn’t understand, huh? Well, son, have I ever told you about who I dated just before your mom?”

“No?”

“Lando.”

“What about Lando?” Ben didn’t see how his dad’s best friend could possibly be relevant to the conversation at hand. 

“I dated Lando.” 

“ _What?_ ” 

“Yeah, I dated Lando,” Han repeated. “Well, it wasn’t so much as dating as more of friends with—well.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, we were friends most importantly, so when I met your mother I ended that aspect of our relationship, and the rest is history.” Han shrugs. “So you can talk to me about boys, too. I do have some experience, um, there.” 

“Okay?” Ben was still reeling, and not just from the alcohol. 

“You look overwhelmed,” Han said, setting a hand on Ben’s knee. “We should probably both go to bed, but we can talk about this more later.”

But they never got the chance to talk about it later, since Han left on another one of his business trips, and time just kind of got away from them. Before he knew it, Ben was moving into his dorm room. Still to this day, he doesn’t know if Han ever told Leia. 

But Han can’t help him now. His dad has always been far more direct than Ben could ever dream of being. Han was the kind of guy who walked up to the prettiest girl at a frat party, “rescued” her from the cop who was about to give her an underage drinking violation, got told off by that same girl for that stupid stunt, and six months later they were married. He’s not the kind of guy to not even know if he’s in a relationship or not. 

No, for this one, Ben’s on his own. 

 

**December 11**

_Me, 10:22am_ : someone threw up in the sink in the bathroom again happy fucking holidays  
_Read 11:03am_

_Me, 1:45pm_ : turns out i bombed my physics quiz last week  
_Read 1:47pm_

_Me, 2:58pm_ : finn has a crush on this guy poe and i s2g hes already planning the wedding  
_Read 7:11pm_

_Me, 3:44pm_ : todays epiphany: physics is fucking stupid  
_Read 7:11pm_

_Me, 6:04pm_ : the omelet guy burned my FUCKIN OMELET again  
_Me, 6:05pm_ : he better watch it otherwise ill take my business elsewhere  
_Read 7:11pm_

_Me, 8:33pm_ : u should probably bring flipflops to shower in when you come visit because someone on my floor has foot fungus  
_Read 8:50pm_

_Me, 9:28pm_ : theyre showing your favorite christmas movie on abc rn :D  
_Read 9:30pm_

_Hux, 12:32am_ : 1. That’s disgusting. You should complain to the janitorial staff  
2\. I’m not surprised, you said you didn’t study  
3\. Sounds exhausting  
4\. (See #2)  
5\. Alternatively: you could stop eating so many omelettes  
6\. Fucking hell, I’ll have to shower in rain boots, won’t I?  
7\. I assume you’re talking about the dreaded “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” which still bears no resemblance to myself no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise

_Me, 12:33am_ : 1 ok next time 2 fuck 3 yeah kinda 4 FUCK 5 but i like omelets 6 lmao yeah maybe 7 dont try to deny your grinchyness >:D  
_Read 12:33am_

_Hux, 12:34am_ : That’s not a word

_Me, 12:34am_ : just bc u go to stanford doesnt mean u know all the words  
_Read 12:34am_

_Hux, 12:35am_ : I know you’re just teasing me, but that doesn’t mean you’re not wrong

_Me, 12:35am_ : double negative  
_Me, 12:35am_ : see i go to college too  
_Read 12:40am_

_Hux, 12:41am_ : I don’t correct your grammar while texting

_Me, 12:41am_ : yeah u do  
_Me, 12:41am_ : sometimes  
_Read 12:41am_

_Hux, 12:42am_ : Only when the error is particularly unforgivable

_Me, 12:43am_ : yeah like when  
_Read 12:44am_

_Hux, 12:45am_ : I’m too tired at present to provide you with a complete list, so unless you have any other pressing concerns, I’m going to go to bed

_Me, 12:45am_ : ~~actually i was hoping we could talk about something~~  
_Me, 12:46am_ : ~~maybe could u call me we need to talk~~  
_Me, 12:48am_ : ~~i know this is a stupid question but im just gonna say it: are we still dating~~  
_Me, 12:49am_ : ~~goodnight hux <3~~  
_Me, 12:52am_ : goodnight hux  
_Read 12:53am_

_Hux, 12:53am_ : Goodnight, Ben

 

**December 12**

Ben’s never been this nervous buying groceries before. 

He’s at the twenty-four-hour Walgreen’s across the street from his dorm building. Almost no one is around at six a.m., which is at least half of the reason Ben got up this early. That, and he’s been feeling restless all morning.

As his fingers clench around the handle of his grocery basket, he doesn’t know why he’s so fucking nervous. _It’s only awkward if you make it awkward_ , Ben tells himself as he walks toward the back of the store, but that’s not what’s making him jumpy. 

When he reaches the idiotically named “family planning” aisle, it dawns on him. It’s not the awkwardness of having to buy condoms and lube, it’s how the purchase actually makes Hux’s impending visit real. While Ben’s not entirely sure he’s going to need them, it’s still a tangible indicator of what might happen in nine days’ time. 

Ben enters the aisle after a surreptitious look around, hefting his basket of milk, Pop-Tarts, and microwavable mac and cheese. It’s not until he’s standing in front of shelves of different brands that he realizes he has no idea what the hell he’s doing. Fuck, he should’ve brought Finn with him; even if he doesn’t know any better than Ben he’d at least be good moral support. Or he could’ve just asked Finn to pick some things up when he goes for groceries next Tuesday, but no. Ben can do this. He can do this himself. It won’t matter what brand of condoms he gets or how fancy the lube is, what matters is that it’s him and Hux, and it’ll be their first time together—Ben’s first time ever—and it’ll be fine. He just has to buy _something_. 

The only sexual experience Ben’s accumulated in his eighteen years of life are two incidents last summer with Hux. The first occurred three weeks into their relationship when Hux drove him to the movies in his fancy car. Once they had parked, Ben and Hux spent several blissful minutes kissing before Hux leaned back and asked, “Do you want to skip the previews and climb into the back seat with me?” Ben nodded eagerly, and what followed was Hux giving Ben a blowjob that had him coming quickly and left him red-faced and more embarrassed than he thought he should be in the aftermath. They didn’t talk much on the drive home from that particular movie, and Hux never invited Ben into the back seat again.

The other time took place just a week before Hux left for Stanford, on one of those rare days when Brendol was out of the house. Ben had tried to reciprocate for that time in the car by giving Hux an inexperienced, messy, and mostly-clothed handjob on the couch before then rubbing himself off against Hux’s thigh. Then they’d watched four episodes of Black Mirror like nothing had happened. 

He’ll do better this time, he tells himself as he grabs products at random and adds them to his basket. It’ll be fine. 

Ben tries not to make eye contact with his usual cashier, an old guy who’s name tag reads “Snoke,” but he raises his eyebrows at Ben anyway. 

Finn’s still asleep when Ben gets back to the dorm, so he has time to store the condoms and lube under his bed after unpacking the other groceries. He breathes a sigh of relief when everything’s put away. 

Now he’s ready. 

 

**December 13**

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Huh?” Ben shakes himself out of his trance and stills his jiggling leg. 

Finn frowns. “You’re practically glaring holes into my forehead, Ben. Don’t worry, I know your Skype call starts any minute now, I’m about to leave, I just need to finish off this problem.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

Finn holds up both hands. “It’s fine, just give me a second.” Ben watches from his desk as he types a few more numbers into his calculator.

“Are you going to the library again?” Ben doesn’t know why he’s asking. Maybe it’s the kind of thing a good roommate would care about. 

“Nope,” Finn says, slamming his textbook closed. “I’m going over to Poe’s apartment.”

Ben leans forward in his chair and raises his eyebrows. 

“To _study_!” Finn turns away from Ben to gather his things. “We’re not even dating, man.”

Ben grins. Actually, this is kind of interesting. “He’s not even the same year as you, how is he going to help you study?” 

Finn stands up to put on his coat, still not meeting Ben’s eyes. He clears his throat. “He took my Calc class two semesters ago. He’s gonna give me his old notes.”

“You sure that’s all he’s going to be giving you?”

“You’re one to talk!” Finn snaps, and Ben can’t tell if he’s actually angry or just playing along. “You’re the one about to have your weekly dose of Skype sex with your boyfriend!” 

Ben’s mouth opens to protest that that’s _not_ what they’re doing, not by a longshot, but in the end he doesn’t say anything. He clears his throat. “Should I wait up for you?”

“Fuck off, man,” Finn says, sliding on his gloves. “And wipe that stupid grin off your face. I have studying to do.”

As Finn leaves, Ben connects the call. Before he knows it, he’s face-to-face with Hux. When he smiles at Ben with both his adorably pink lips and clear green eyes, that little glow ignites in Ben’s chest again.

“Hey.”

“Hi, Ben.” He pauses. “You look like you’re in a good mood.”

Ben shrugs. “I was just joking around with Finn, I guess. Actually, it was more like teasing.”

“Oh?” Hux leans forward, closer to the camera. “Teasing about what?”

“He’s going over to that Poe guy’s apartment to ‘study,’” Ben says, using air quotes. “I’m not so sure how much studying is going to get done.”

Hux shrugs, seeming indifferent. “As long as he’s not kicking you out to have him over to your room.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t…” Ben shakes his head. “Nevermind. How’s your roommate, by the way? Doesn’t he have some sort of weird name?”

“Mitaka. And it’s his surname.”

“You call him that?”

He shrugs again. “It was how he introduced himself. I think he was confused by the fact that I asked to be called ‘Hux’ instead of ‘Armitage.’ Everyone else calls him Dopheld.”

“That’s not much better.”

“Anyway,” Hux begins after a beat of silence, shifting in his chair, “there’s something I wanted to bring up.”

Ben’s chest contracts. That was supposed to be his line, _he_ was supposed to bring up the thing they haven’t spoken about in months. Now he’s not prepared. Hux could say anything. 

“Yeah?”

Hux bites his bottom lip, which is never a good sign. “My father is going back to Ireland for the holidays.”

“And he’s making you come with him?”

“No.” Hux takes a breath. “He’s not bringing me with him, and because of that, he says there’s no point in coming all the way back to Minnesota for the break if no one’s going to be home. It would be easier for everyone involved if I stayed on campus until spring semester starts in January.”

“ _What?_ ” Ben exclaims. “You’re not actually thinking of going along with that, are you?”

Hux shifts his gaze down to his lap, uncharacteristically not making eye contact. “The university is having a few speakers visit campus over the break, and there’s a job fair on the thirtieth that I could go to. I could use the time to start looking for a good summer internship, or get a head start on the readings for my spring semester classes.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say. Hux can’t do this to him. This visit, Hux coming to see him in eight fucking days is what’s keeping him going, gets him out of bed in the morning. No, Hux can’t just take it away like that. 

“But what about our plans?” he blurts. “What about your flight, what about seeing all your friends from high school, what about New Year’s, what about—” _What about me?_

Hux looks up at him, his face sorrowful. “It’s not set in stone yet. I haven’t cancelled my flights, and I’m still thinking about it, but I think this is the best option, Ben.”

How dare him. How dare him tear down all of Ben’s hopes and dreams and then say his name like that, soft on the B, accent curling around the n. With that one single syllable, Hux cracked his heart in two. 

And if Hux isn’t even willing to come see him over break, then that gives Ben his answer about their relationship. 

“Hux,” Ben says as quietly as he can, trying to keep his voice from breaking. 

Hux looks away again and runs a hand through his perfectly styled hair, making it stick up in the way Ben always thinks makes it look even better. “I just need to think about it, okay, Ben?” He turns back to Ben and begins to wring his hands in his lap. “Even if I don’t come, we can still Skype. You can still send me your holiday songs digitally. Things don’t have to change.”

_But they will_. “Hux, I gotta go,” he forces out. Ben’s got about ten seconds before his eyes will start to well up like a fucking _child_ , so this call needs to end now. 

“Ben, don’t let this ruin—”

“Too late,” Ben spits. “It’s already fucking ruined, Hux.” He punches the button to hang up, and suddenly Hux is gone. 

He’s thankful that Finn stays out of the room for far longer than the forty-five minutes the Skype call was supposed to last, because then Ben can crawl into bed and bury his face in the pillow. When Finn finally does tip-toe in at around midnight, Ben has finally quieted down enough to pretend to be sleeping. 

Real sleep doesn’t find him for hours. 

 

**December 16**

Ben can’t keep himself from working on the Christmas CD all the same. He’s going to have to send it to Hux digitally instead of burning a physical copy, but he’s still going to make it. As angry and hurt and lost as he feels, the CDs are his tradition. Ben will keep making them for Hux, no matter what happens between them. Maybe someday Hux will play them for someone he actually cares about.

Last year, the majority of the holiday songs Ben picked out for the CD were love songs; he was done being subtle. The disc kicked off with Mariah Carey’s classic “All I Want For Christmas is You” and ended with Dean Martin singing “I’ve got my Love to Keep Me Warm,” and apparently Hux still didn’t get the hint. 

This year, Ben’s song selection has taken a more melancholy turn. “Blue Christmas,” “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” and “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” are at the top of his list. He’s already used Elvis’s “Blue Christmas” several years back, so he begins with looking for a good cover of that one to start the playlist off. After searching YouTube, iTunes, and Amazon, Ben finds a version by The Lumineers that is suitably depressing. 

Next Ben listens to the original Darlene Love version of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” and then follows his recommended videos over to the Michael Bublé cover, then a Death Cab for Cutie version, and then he ends up listening to their “I’ll Follow You into the Dark” which isn’t even a Christmas song, but he wants to include it anyway, at least to show Hux how fully devoted he is, even now. 

Ben closes the browsing window and instead puts on Bing Crosby’s “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” while he looks over the Word document he’s been brainstorming songs on. He knows he wants to include “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,” but since he already used the original Judy Garland version on the very first CD he gave Hux, he needs to find a new cover. Ben starts compiling a playlist just of different artists singing the song so he can decide later. 

He closes his laptop and puts his head in his hands. This use to be fun, making these CDs for Hux. He’d spend hours picking out the perfect tracks, putting them in an order that sounded good, and then recording his facts about the songs. Ben would try to make his voice sound as smooth and intelligent as possible, like someone Hux would want to listen to. Now he doesn’t even know if he can bring himself to do any commentary. 

It doesn’t matter; Hux is probably sick of listening to him anyway.

 

**December 17**

_Me, 12:42am_ : im sorry i got mad at you  
_Read 12:45am_

_Me, 12:50am_ : are u mad at me?  
_Read 12:50am_

_Me, 1:03am_ : idk what u want me to say  
_Me, 1:03am_ : so i guess ill say nothing  
_Me, 1:03am_ : if youre saying nothing  
_Read 1:04am_

 

**December 18**

The dream hurts even more knowing it will never be a reality. 

In it, Hux was lying in bed with him, sleeping, wearing one of Ben’s old T-shirts. Ben remembers the shirt being far too big for his slim shoulders, exposing his collarbone through the stretched-out neck of the shirt. The rest of the details are blurry in a comforting way, like how Ben never remembered sleepy drives home when he was a kid, just the sense that he was safe and warm.

Upon waking, he knows that there was more to the dream, but he can’t seem to remember it. Figures. 

 

**December 19**

Finn bursts through the door gasping and covered with snow. “I fucking hate this dorm building,” he says, collapsing on the futon without taking his coat off. “Next year, Ben, we’re not going back to Jakku. It’s too far away from everything, and when it snows like this I would rather die than walk up that hill.” 

“It’s snowing?” Ben doesn’t even sit up in bed to look out the window. 

“Yeah, have you not gotten out of bed yet today?”

“I guess not.”

“Hey, man,” Finn says, walking over to Ben’s bedside to look down on him. “I’ve been meaning to ask you but I’ve just been so busy with exams and Poe and—anyway, what’s wrong?”

“Hux isn’t coming.”

Finn pulls out Ben’s desk chair and sits down before speaking. “Ah man, I’m sorry. Did you guys break up?”

“Don’t know.” Ben rolls over to face the wall instead of Finn. “Don’t even know if we were dating in the first place.”

“Seriously? I mean—” Finn clears his throat. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know what I mean. Don’t know what anything means anymore.” 

“ _Okay_ ,” Finn says slowly. “I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about the situation, but if you’re not sure what happened, I’d give it a few days to mellow, and then talk to him. Even if it’s hard, you two gotta get on the same page.”

“He’s ignoring my texts,” Ben mutters into the pillow. 

“Isn’t he Skyping you tomorrow?”

“I’m not betting on it.”

“Just keep trying, man. Don’t give up.”

Suddenly, Ben has the motivation he’d been missing all day to sit up in bed. “You know what, Finn? You know fucking what?” he shouts, whipping his pillow at his startled roommate. “I shouldn’t keep trying. Trying is the last thing I should be doing right now! I _should_ just give up! I should’ve given up _months ago_ , but I kept _holding on_ , holding on like the fucking _idiot I am_ , and now it’s over!” Ben doesn’t know when the angry tears welling up in his eyes spilled over. “It’s over,” he says, quieter, voice raw. 

“Ben,” Finn begins, picking his pillow up off the ground, and Ben braces himself for the fallout. “Of all the objects in this room you could’ve thrown at me, I’m sure as hell glad you chose a pillow.”

“I—”

Finn holds up a hand, silencing Ben. “I’d be more mad if you didn’t look so damn pathetic.”

“Pathetic?” Ben repeats, feeling his anger start to flare up again.

“Yeah, pathetic,” Finn says, gentler. He sighs before taking a seat on the edge of Ben’s bed. “You gotta pull yourself together, man! You’re better than this pitiful, heartbroken guy who can’t even drag himself out of bed. It might hurt now, but this isn’t the end of the world.” 

Ben reaches into his internal supply of righteous and defensive anger but finds it empty. “Who made you the expert on giving advice,” he says flatly.

Finn smiles and shakes his head. “Yeah yeah yeah, I’m no Dr. Phil or whoever the hell it is, but I’m trying to help you, Ben.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yeah, I kinda do, because if I’m not gonna do it, who is?” Finn stands up and crosses his arms. “Now c’mon, the two of us are gonna have a mediocre dinner in the dining hall together, even if I have to drag your sorry ass down there myself.”

“I’m not hungr—”

“Then you can just sit there and watch me eat. C’mon, Ben, get your coat on. I’m getting you out of this room if it’s the last thing I do.”

Ben sighs, but he gets out of bed. He kind of does want to see the snow.

“And now it’s your turn to be the advice-giving one, because I have a problem of my own.”

“Is it Poe?” Ben slides on his shoes and grabs his puffy coat. 

Finn shakes his head. “No, no, Poe and I are good. It’s about my Computer Science major.”

“What about it?”

“Well, as you know,” Finn begins, holding the door open for Ben before he locks it behind them, “my parents are both computer scientists, so I was basically raised to do one thing. But since I started working at the campus newspaper, I’ve realized that I’m actually interested in journalism…”

At dinner, Ben has his usual burned omelet and advises Finn to switch majors, since that seems to be what he’s already decided on. Getting some fresh air feels better than Ben expected, and for the first time all semester he realizes how lucky he is to have Finn. Finn can actually put up with him, which is rare. He deserves a much better roommate than Ben. 

Although earlier he did say “we” when referring to where he wanted to live next year. Ben might not be doing as badly as he thinks.

 

**December 20**

Ben waits thirty minutes for Hux to Skype him before giving up. 

Before closing his laptop, he begins a new email to Hux. The subject line simply says “this year’s christmas cd” and the body of the email is just a link to the playlist he made for this year. No salutation, no signoff, but he sends it.

He does have a tradition to uphold.

 

**December 21**

When Ben wakes up, he pretends he’s forgotten that today is the day Hux was supposed to come visit him. He doesn’t think about it when he makes himself eat breakfast, as per Finn’s orders before he left last night, and he doesn’t think about it as he brushes his teeth. Ben doesn’t think about how what would’ve been Hux’s plane should be boarding as he tries to focus on enjoying the Netflix show he’s watching, and he _definitely_ doesn’t think about how Hux should’ve been just landing in Minnesota as he reheats some leftovers for a late lunch. He doesn’t think about it while he crawls into bed for a nap, and he doesn’t think about it as he falls asleep. 

When there’s a knock at the door, Ben groans and rolls over. If he ignores it, they’ll probably go away. Barely anyone is still in the dorms anyway. Whoever it is must just be confused. They’ll go away and he’ll go back to sleep.

_Knock knock knock_. 

Ben stops moving and tries to be completely silent. 

“Benjamin Organa-Solo, I know you’re in there!”

It’s muffled, but Ben would recognize that voice anywhere. He leaps out of bed, knocking his comforter to the floor and sliding in his socks straight into the door. Throwing it open, he is greeted with the sight of his rosy-cheeked, out-of-breath, snowflake-dusted, beloved Hux. 

“I thought—” Ben begins, but Hux surges forward and cuts him off with a kiss. Feeling the familiar softness of Hux’s lips after all these months is like sinking into a hot bath, warming Ben all over. It’s all so sudden that he briefly wonders if he’s dreaming, Hux a snow-covered angel conjured by his subconscious. Either way, he’s going to savor the tenderness of the moment, the comforting happiness of having him in his arms again. 

Hux breaks the kiss but doesn’t leave Ben’s embrace. “You didn’t include your commentary.”

“What?” Ben says, still blindsided by the kiss. 

“The commentary,” Hux repeats. “About the Christmas songs. You’ve always included a disc of facts about the music, and I was counting on the sound of your voice getting me through the rest of this miserable winter break, but then this year there was nothing and—and that’s when I knew.”

“Knew what?”

Hux rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “That I had to see you, you enormous idiot! You’re my boyfriend, and I was being ridiculous…”

A spark of pure elation shoots through Ben, and he swoons forward to kiss him again, too overcome to know how to respond, but Hux leans away.

“Wait,” he says, breaking free of Ben’s grip. Hux spins around and pulls his suitcase inside before shutting the door. Ben didn’t even realize it was still open. “There,” he says once the door is locked behind him. Hux reaches forward, pulling Ben back to him. “Now I can kiss you properly.”

“What was wrong with the other kiss?”

Hux smirks at him and says, “You’ll see.” He places a hand on Ben’s chest, stopping him yet again. “Wait. Let me take my coat off first.” 

Ben steps back and begins shifting from foot to foot. He’s bubbling with restless energy, brought back to life by Hux’s presence. “You call that a coat?” he says, nodding to Hux’s thin gray jacket.

Hux shrugs it off and brushes the snow from the shoulders. “I didn’t bring my warmer coat with me to Stanford. That would’ve been a waste of space.” He hangs the jacket on the coat hooks unevenly stuck to the wall with command strips. Hux toes off his boots and pauses, seeming to consider something. 

There’s a moment of almost uncomfortable silence, so Ben blurts, “How’d you even get up here, anyways?” 

Hux meets his gaze but stays standing by Ben’s closet. “I followed someone in through the front door and then asked them to key me up to your floor.”

Ben shakes his head. Hux is lucky he found someone nice enough to help him out with that. “What would you’ve said if someone had stopped you?”

“What I just told you,” Hux says, stepping forward. “That I needed to see my boyfriend.”

Ben blushes, stupidly. “I’m your boyfriend.”

Hux cups Ben’s face in his hands. “Of course you are. Why are you looking at me like that’s new information?”

“Because. Because I was being stupid, I wasn’t sure…” He looks down at Hux’s lips instead of his eyes, embarrassed. “We said we’d end it when you left for college. And then you didn’t give me any signs, this whole time. I wasn’t sure if we were dating or if we’d gone back to just being…friends.”

“Ben,” Hux says, lifting his chin up and forcing him to meet his gaze. “You could’ve just said something.”

“I know, but—”

“What am I saying,” he suddenly interrupts. “This is my fault, and I know it. I…I have a hard time being affectionate, as you know.” Now Hux is the one who’s blushing. “Especially over long distances. It’s easier when you’re here, right in front of me, and I just—I don’t know how to be in a long-distance relationship. To be your boyfriend from across the country. Or how to be your boyfriend at all, actually.” He takes a deep breath. “I drove myself crazy the whole flight thinking about how I’m going to apologize to you for fucking up, but…” Tears start to gather in the corners of Hux’s eyes. “I’ve got nothing.”

“Hux, I—” Ben stops, and then he starts again. “I was really hurt when you said you weren’t coming, but I think…I think it’ll be okay. Yeah, I think it’ll be okay.” He pauses again, gaining confidence. “I’m gonna fuck up a lot too, and you know as well as I do that I’ve got my own issues…”

“Ben.” Hux strokes a hand down his face. “If anything, this is about _my_ issues. You—you always think I’m perfect, and I started to worry that I wouldn’t live up to your expectations when I visited. I was a coward who found a way out, and I couldn’t be more sorry, Ben.”

“Hux,” Ben says, pulling him into a hug. Hux clings to him, not speaking, and Ben doesn’t want to let go. He won’t, if Hux lets him. 

After a few moments of holding each other, heartbeats nearly synched up, Ben speaks again. “But you’re here now.” 

“Yes. And, if you’re up for it, I’d like to make the most of it.” Hux’s whispered breath is hot on Ben’s ear, and a shiver runs down his spine. 

The kiss starts out slowly at first, but soon Hux’s hands begin to roam while Ben tries to maneuver them backwards toward the bed. Ben sits down when the backs of his thighs hit the mattress, and Hux breaks the kiss to climb into his lap. He threads his fingers through Ben’s hair and kisses him again, deeply, and Ben thinks that if he were to die right now in this moment, it would be worth it. He puts his massive hands on Hux’s slim waist and thinks that they don’t seem quite as large and clumsy when he’s touching Hux. Or maybe they still are, but Hux doesn’t mind their clumsiness. 

They kiss until Hux is grinding down into Ben’s lap and Ben’s so hard that he’s practically dizzy with it. Ben’s licking into Hux’s mouth with urgency and pulling him close, close, closer but it’s not close enough. It’s like when he held a live bird in his hand at summer camp; he has someone in his arms who is so full of life he’s torn between wanting to be gentle and needing to never let go. 

“Ben,” Hux says when Ben moves down to mouth at his neck, voice heavy with arousal and a question that up until this moment had remained unvoiced. “Do you want to—”

“Yes,” Ben interrupts, stopping to look into Hux’s eyes. “Do _you_ want to?”

Hux smiles and flicks Ben’s ear, and he yelps. “Of course, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to myself.”

“Well okay then.” Ben shifts slightly. “I, uh, bought some things at Walgreen’s, here…” He slides Hux off his lap and reaches under the bed to retrieve his supplies. He sets the plastic bag next to him on the bed and places his hands in his lap, awkwardly, and takes a deep breath. “Sorry if I’m being weird, I’ve just never done this before?” Ben doesn’t know why it comes out sounding like a question.

Hux shifts closer to Ben so their shoulders touch. “I haven’t either, Ben.”

“But…you dated those two other guys.” Cameron and William, Ben remembers them well, despite never having had a conversation with either of them. 

Hux shakes his head. “Not seriously, or for very long, for the reasons stated previously.” 

“Oh.” Ben doesn’t know what to say. “So…this is it, then.”

Hux smiles nervously, brushing back some of his red hair Ben had disordered. “This is it.” 

Hux is still shivering from his cross-campus walk through the snow, so Ben is almost sorry to have to remove all of his layers. But it’ll be better in the end, skin on skin will warm them both. Once they’re lying down, Ben grabs both of Hux’s hands and starts kissing his fingers. 

“What are you doing?” Hux whispers. 

“Warming them up. They’re cold when you touch me.” Ben moves on to kissing the fingers of Hux’s left hand. Once his lips find the rough skin from years of playing violin, he takes Hux’s first finger into his mouth and begins to suck on it, tongue tracing the shape of the callous. 

“Mmm, your mouth is warm.”

Ben drops Hux’s hands and lowers his lips to press against his collarbone. “Is it?” he says against Hux’s skin. Ben presses his face into Hux’s neck and inhales the scent of evergreen soap; Hux’s pulse is pounding. 

Hux trails his fingertips down Ben’s sides before pulling Ben more firmly on top of him. “I could use you as a blanket,” he says, gazing up at Ben. Hux wraps his legs around Ben’s hips and before too long they’re both clinging to each other, kissing again. 

Ben is careful, watching Hux’s facial expressions in the illumination coming from the string lights on Finn’s side of the room. Each time they make eye contact for too long, though, Ben ends up smiling and Hux blushes. It’s a warm feeling, this closeness without conversation, talking with intimate action. Ben brushes the inside of Hux’s thigh with his left hand; Hux bites his lower lip. Hux takes ahold of both of Ben’s arms and gives him a meaningful look; Ben nods and shifts his position.

Hux’s expression changes when Ben first pushes in, so Ben freezes. “Okay?”

He nods, eyes closed. “Yes, keep going.” 

Ben kisses him swiftly on the lips before he moves again, tightening his grip on where his and Hux’s hands are intertwined. He needs as many points of contact as possible, keeping his body tethered to the earth while his mind loses itself in the sensations.

He doesn’t last as long as he would’ve liked, but Hux doesn’t seem to mind. He’s pretty close himself, and it isn’t long before before both of them are twisted up in the sheets, pleasantly exhausted. It’s hard to get up after a few minutes of lying there with Hux, but Ben manages, cleaning up and flipping off the lights. Then there’s the dilemma of how to fit the both of them side-by-side in his narrow dorm bed, but Hux is nothing if not a problem-solver, so they make it work. 

Soon, Ben is lying on his back with Hux curled up at his side, both under the covers. Hux’s head is resting on Ben’s chest, and Ben could watch the mesmerizing way it rises and falls with his breath all night long. 

“It’s too quiet to fall asleep,” Hux says after a while. 

“It’s usually not this quiet here,” Ben replies. “But I guess almost everyone’s gone home for break already.” 

“Do you have a white noise machine?” 

“No, but I could put on some music or something.”

“Yes, that would be nice.” 

Ben leans over the edge of the bed to grope around for his phone on the floor. Once he finds and unlocks it, he just shuffles his collection of holiday music. He’s already back with his arms wrapped around Hux when Frank Sinatra begins singing, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas…”

“Better?” 

Hux moves closer, and Ben can feel his smile against his collarbone. “I should’ve known you were going to play your Christmas songs.” 

“What, do you not like this one?”

“Not as much as the original one.”

Ben raises his eyebrows, surprised that Hux actually has preferences on Christmas music. “I thought you thought it all sounded the same.”

Hux snorts. “Oh, please, I think we’re far past that point. I’ve only listened to eight CDs’ worth.”

After a few more lines of the song spill out of the tinny speakers of Ben’s phone, Hux suddenly says, “This part. This is the part I don’t like. I remember from your trivia about the songs that Sinatra changed the lyric from ‘Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow,’ to ‘Hang a shining star from the highest bough.’ The original line is far better.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. It’s much more realistic.”

“But don’t you think shining stars are more hopeful?”

“No,” Hux says, new vehemence in his voice. “What’s hopeful is muddling through somehow, because in real life that’s all you can truly do.”

Ben doesn’t say anything; he just holds Hux tighter to his chest. 

“Ben?” Hux says suddenly, his voice nearly swallowed up in the darkness. 

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together.” Hux takes a deep breath. “Fuck, I don’t know why I said ‘sometimes.’ I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams all the time, except maybe right now.”

Ben starts rubbing circles into Hux’s back, unsure what to say. 

“My whole life, I’ve just felt like I can see my entire future lined up like dominoes, and one little mistake will knock them all over. I can’t relax for even a second, but I can handle this—have been handling this for years—but at university now, everything’s all sped up, and it’s not just that I have to be careful myself, but other people are actively trying to, I don’t know, knock over my dominoes to advance their own agendas…agh, this metaphor is shit, I don’t even know what I’m talking about. This is why I shouldn’t try to explain these things.” 

“Hey, you’re better than you think,” Ben says, squeezing Hux’s shoulder. “I’m on your side, okay? Even though I’m shit at giving advice, I’m always here to listen. Honestly, just text me whenever and we can Skype, okay?”

“You do respond to my texts rather quickly,” Hux grumbles. 

“Hey, I’m just excited to hear from you!”

Hux nudges Ben’s chin with the top of his head. “You’re obsessed with me.”

“You’re the one who apparently needs the sound of my voice to get through the break.”

Hux sighs and drops his head back down. “Ah, I don’t know why I said that. I told myself that I’d never tell you how much I love your ridiculous voice; it’s too embarrassing.”

Ben smiles so wide he thinks his face will crack in half. Hux loves his voice. “Did you even listen to the music discs at all, or were you just in it for my _luxurious, sensual_ voice,” Ben teases, drawing out and overpronouncing the words. 

Hux swats his side. “I did too listen to the music part! I just liked hearing you talk about things you were interested in more.” He yawns and nuzzles his nose against the side of Ben’s neck. “Maybe if you threw in some more classical music.”

“Don’t know any holiday-themed classical songs.” 

“Last year, I was planning on surprising you with my own Christmas playlist, but of classical pieces,” Hux says. “I didn’t get very far, though, so I just scrapped the whole thing.”

“Really?” Ben is touched. “I would still love to hear it.”

“Eh, it was nothing special. Mostly just songs from the Nutcracker Suite, Vivaldi’s Winter, the Corelli Christmas Concerto, you know, that sort of thing.”

“Hey, I know that one, the Corelli one.”

“You do?” 

“Yeah,” Ben says, smiling at the memory. “Your orchestra played it sophomore year, and you had the violin solo.”

“First violin solo,” Hux corrects, but then he shakes his head. “You remember that? How do you even know about that, you weren’t in music.”

Ben shrugs. “I came to the concert. I wanted to see your solo.” 

“You did?” Hux asks. “I didn’t see you there, afterwards.”

“Yeah, I um, I ducked out early. If I stayed till the end I’d have been tempted to buy you a dozen roses or something.”

Hux laughs. “Why didn’t you?”

“That would’ve blown my cover,” Ben says. “I would’ve been revealed as the closeted gay kid with a crush on his friend who was way out of his league.”

Hux shifts to meet Ben’s eyes. “You had feelings for me even back then?”

“Yes,” Ben admits, holding his gaze, “you must’ve been the only one who didn’t know. I’ve been crazy about you for a long time, Hux.”

Even through the darkness, Ben can tell Hux is blushing. “Well, with that lovely thought fixed in my mind, I’m going to try to get some sleep. I’ve had a long day of traveling and I’m absolutely exhausted.”

“Yeah?” Ben grins suggestively. “From what?”

“Don’t be vulgar, or I won’t have sex with you again tomorrow.”

“Sure you won’t. I’m irresistible.” 

“I think you mean insatiable. Good night.” 

“Goodnight, Hux.”

But Ben doesn’t fall asleep. He doesn’t know how he possibly can, since this is probably the greatest night of his life. Lying here with Hux sleeping in his arms is almost better than the sex from earlier. That Hux, with all his talk of reputations and falling apart and dominoes, trusts him enough to sleep soundly with all of his bare skin touching all of Ben’s, makes him feel like a match has been struck against his ribcage, lighting a fire in his chest. 

He spends what must be hours staring at the ceiling, imagining what the next two days will bring. If he has anything to say about it, they will leave this bed as little as possible, spending the remaining time sleeping, having sex, eating shitty delivery food, and watching those Netflix documentaries Hux likes so much. Even if it falls short of expectations, Ben’s sure it’ll still be perfect. Hux is _here_ , and Hux is his boyfriend. 

Speaking of, Hux has been stirring in his sleep while Ben’s been fantasizing. He’ll shift away for a few minutes every once in a while, but he always turns back to burrow in Ben’s arms like a ship returning to port. 

“I love you,” Ben murmurs as he buries his nose in Hux’s hair.

“I know,” Hux says sleepily. “And I’m not even going to think of saying it back until tomorrow morning, once I’ve gotten some sleep.” 

Ben flushes. He was _sure_ Hux was asleep. “Sorry?”

“Shhh.”

“Goodnight again.”

“Goodnight, Ben.” 

 

**December 22**

_Finn, 8:02am_ : sorry forgot to text last night how are you doing?

_Me, 8:03am_ : _Attached image_

_Finn, 8:05am_ : yesssss I told you not to give up hope!  
_Finn, 8:06am_ : also dude it’s really creepy to take pictures of people when they’re sleeping even if they are your bf

_Me, 8:07am_ : its fine hux wont mind  
_Me, 8:07am_ : actually nevermind he probably would mind  
_Me, 8:08am_ : i thought it was a flattering pic but im biased

_Finn, 8:08am_ : yeah it’s kinda close to his face

_Me, 8:09am_ : yeah i had to take it like that because all hes wearing is my blanket

_Finn, 8:10am_ : dude tmi  
_Finn, 8:10am_ : I do NOT need to hear about you turning our dorm room into a sex den while I’m gone

_Me, 8:11am_ : leave us alone were in love

_Finn, 8:13am_ : I’m happy for you two I just don’t need details 

 

**December 23**

“Shit, it’s my dad, I better answer it.” 

Hux sighs before pausing the movie playing on Ben’s laptop. “Should I…?” he begins, indicating his position seated in Ben’s lap on the futon. 

“Nah, it’s fine,” Ben says, setting his laptop down on the floor next to his empty container of Chinese food so he can answer the phone. Hux declared eating in bed unsanitary, so they had to move to the futon for their movie-and-takeout combo. Ben doesn’t really mind all that much, though, because Hux said that the only way he doesn’t get glare on the screen is if he sits in Ben’s lap, which is definitely an excuse, but Ben decided to let him have this one. 

He clears his throat before answering. “Hello?”

“Hey, kid, it’s Han!” Han says, using his trademark too-loud voice he saves for long-distance phone calls.

Ben rolls his eyes at Hux, who’s shaking his head as he scoops up his last few bites of white rice. “Yeah, Dad, I know it’s you. I have caller ID.” 

Han just laughs. “Yeah yeah yeah, make fun of the old guy. Listen, I just wanted to call you, we haven’t really talked in a while.” 

Ben bites his lip, thinking of the last time they “really talked.” “You’re going to see me the day after tomorrow, though, we can talk then.” 

“Ah, kid, about that…” 

“Seriously, Dad? You’re not coming home for Christmas?” 

Hux looks away when Ben says this, pretending not to listen. He tries to stand up to get even farther away, but Ben tightens his hold on Hux’s waist. If he’s going to deal with this conversation, he’s going to need to have Hux close. 

“I’m trying, son, I’m trying. I’ll be home by the twenty-seventh, though, I promise.” 

Ben doesn’t say anything. A fat lot of good Han’s promises tend to be worth. 

“Hey, Ben, don’t be mad, okay? I still might be able to catch a flight home tomorrow, and then we can spend time together, yeah? Just like old times?”

“Sure.” 

“Speaking of old talks we’ve had,” Han begins, voice brightening as he tries to change the subject, “how’s it going with Hux?” 

At this, Hux jolts upright and glares at Ben. _You told him about me?_ Hux mouths, or at least that’s what Ben thinks he says. He holds up his hand to make the “so-so” signal. 

“Um, good, actually?” Ben stammers. He’s not sure how much he should divulge, how much Hux wants him to reveal or how much he wants his dad to know about his love life. 

“Really? Way to go, Ben, I knew you’d get him eventually!” 

“I didn’t say that I _got_ him—”

“How is he doing, by the way? With college, and stuff?” 

Ben looks to Hux, waiting for a cue for what to say. Hux just shrugs, and his green eyes offer no clues. “You know, he’s, uh, muddling through?” That earns him an eye-roll and a playful swat on the shoulder. 

“Good. I always worried about that kid, wound so tightly, like—”

“Dad!” Ben interrupts. “I just, uh…don’t you want to know how I’m doing?”

“Oh! Right, I had just assumed that you were doing good since you said things with Hux were good, but I guess you’re right, I never really asked. How are you doing, son?”

“Actually,” Ben says, smiling now, “I’m doing better than I have in a long time.” 

“Good. Your mother said that your roommate left a few days ago. You doing okay all alone?” 

Hux smiles at him, and Ben tugs him closer. “I’m not as alone as you think.”

“Good. Well, I better go, got business to attend to! Nice talking to you, kid, and I’ll see you on the twenty-seventh.” 

Ben swallows, suddenly a bit choked up. “Bye, Dad…Love you.” 

“Love you too, Ben. Bye.” 

When he finally sets the phone down, Ben lets his head fall back against the wall with a _thunk_. “God, my dad is just so…” 

Hux turns around to face Ben and touches their foreheads together. “I know.”

Ben closes his eyes and exhales. “Wish I could just stay here with you for a few more days. The holidays are just so fucking exhausting.” 

“Hey,” Hux says, stroking Ben’s cheek, “you know, with my father in Ireland, I’ll have an empty house. If you ever need a break from your family, you’re always welcome to come over.” 

Ben’s eyes fly open, and he shifts Hux farther back in his lap. “Shit, I forgot, you’re going to be alone for Christmas!”

Hux’s ears turn pink. “It’s quite all right, Ben, my father and I usually don’t celebrate anyways. And plus, I’ll finally get some time to myself.” 

Ben lets go of Hux to cross his arms. “Okay, fine, you can have a few days to yourself, but then you’re coming over for dinner. Leia won’t mind, especially with Han gone.” 

“I don’t know, Ben…”

“No, please, it’ll be great! My mom’s a really good cook.” Ben looks Hux straight in the eyes. “And I want you there.”

“Oh, fine,” Hux says in mock exasperation. He kisses Ben on the corner of the mouth before saying, “But how will we explain my presence?” 

“Your dad’s gone and you have no one to spend the holidays with. What’s to explain?” 

Hux rolls his eyes. “I guess.” He leans forward and threads his fingers in Ben’s hair before kissing him, long, slow, and deep. “Do you want to finish the movie?” Hux whispers against his lips. 

“Not…really…” Ben says, fingers already toying with the hem of Hux’s shirt—Ben’s shirt. Hux threw on one of Ben’s old T-shirts before they moved to the futon. “You?”

Hux sits back on Ben’s thighs and actually licks his lips. Ben wonders if he’s living in a dream.

“Not particularly. Do you think your roommate would mind if I rode your dick right here on this futon?”

Ben feels like he barely has enough blood left in his brain to process the question. “Uh…yeah, probably. He bought the futon, and he has…rules.”

Hux sighs dramatically. “Fine. I guess I’ll just have to settle for being carried to bed by my heroic knight.” 

Ben grins. “Heroic knight?” he repeats, pushing himself up off the futon. His bed is barely a yard away, but if Hux wants to be carried, he will be carried. 

Hux blushes. “Shut up. I was just trying something. I’ll stop.” 

Ben bends down and scoops Hux into his arms. “ _You_ shut up. I like it.” 

Hux rolls his eyes. “Well, don’t expect any more of it.” 

“Hmm, I guess you don’t want this knight to take you to bed…”

“Fine, fine, I _surrender_ , Sir Ben,” Hux says, trying to suppress a smile.

Ben pulls Hux closer, smiling. “Better.” 

 

**December 24**

“Mom!” Ben shouts across the parking lot, waving her over. He and Hux are standing, shivering, next to the front lobby of Jakku Dormitories. Hux’s wheeled suitcase is standing on one side of them and Ben’s frayed duffle bag is on the other. 

“Ben!” Leia says when she’s standing in front of them. She looks tired from the drive, but Ben can’t deny that her brown eyes light up when she sees him. He isn’t sure if he wants to hug her in front of Hux, but she makes the decision for him, pulling his tall body against her small frame. 

“Mom,” Ben begins, after he pulls away. He has something to tell her, something he and Hux talked about all morning. “This is Hux.”

Leia wrinkles her brow. “Ben, I’ve met Hux before, what are you—”

“No,” Ben interrupts, shaking his head. He looks over at Hux one last time, just to make sure. Hux nods at him, and Ben takes a deep breath. 

“Mom, this is Hux, my boyfriend.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, a million thanks to my beta/best friend [Kana](https://twitter.com/Atariakana) for all the help and support. 
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/adamderiver), [pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/adamderiver), and, for the time being, still on the flaming trashcan that is [tumblr](https://adamderiver.tumblr.com/).
> 
> There is also a moodboard [here](https://twitter.com/adamderiver/status/1077297596455100422).


End file.
